It begins

My recovery is taking so long.

They tell me I am fine. I know I am not. They tell me I am almost 100 per cent the person I was. I don’t know how anybody who is not me could ever put a number on who, and what, I was. Obviously, I cannot do that myself. I do not know what I was.  Therefore I cannot say where I am on any scale or even how I can relate to  my past being.

If I am sure I am about 90 per cent, then I know what I exactly what I was before, and what exactly I am now. I cannot say. And therefore, can anybody else say what I was and what I am now? Can anybody know the depths of my mind, what was there, and what exists in my mind now?

There were times in the months just past when I wondered if indeed I would ever be the same physical person I was. Would I have the same skills? The same reflexes? The same connections between mind, body and environment? Today, mentally, there is no doubt I am different. Physically, I believe much of me is well and whole again. Maybe my mind will also heal, to some semblance of what it was before.

I think not. In fact, I don’t want to go back to that person I was.

It is not because of what I did or what I was. It is more a process of growing old. Everybody goes through this process. We look back on our younger self as being childish, self-centered, maybe impulsive. Definitely unaware and unknowing of so much. Maybe in our youth we were too quick or too slow to listen to what we thought was authority, or certainly, to people who just by virtue of their age and experience we believed knew more than we did.

If we just listen to elders, or the experienced, do we really learn? Can anybody really just tell us the joy, or the sorrow, the pain and anquish, or the exhilaration of going through experiences? I thnk not. Each of us must go through our own life changing events to be able to look back and see that is exactly what they were – life changing experiences. We must live our own lives.

I have had many months to think. I was broken. I may still be broken. Or possibly, I may be just one step further on my own life story of learning and understanding. I am no longer sure if I was on the side of right or if I was actually on the side of wrong.

I believe my mind is not well. Maybe telling my story in these coming days and months will help my mind heal.

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